sleep, come quick

it's really quite amazing how when you can't sleep, your mind just goes off on a rampage of ideas you tell yourself to remember the next day, and brings up memories you hadn't thought of in a long time. things that you don't really want to think about because they make you sad, or moments that you wish you could go back and if you think about them hard enough maybe you'll recall a little detail more than before. sometimes i want to block out memories that are really good, because i'm scared if i think about them too much, i'll realize that i don't remember all the pieces and then that's how it will stay in my mind forever... a mixed jumble of sequences that don't run together correctly. and if i just leave them untouched, they'll remain perfectly intact.

when i think about grandaddy, or mcrae i get sad. i don't remember enough of it to carry me through the rest of my life i don't think. i think you only get a certain amount of space for memories. and each time you make a new, really great one, one of the smaller, older ones get pushed and pushed out until you don't even realize you left it behind. i don't want to forget. i'm scared. my family has a history of Alzheimer's... what if i get it too? i don't want to think about that but i can't help it. i just want to sleep. i don't want to think about these things. but sometimes, every so often i have one of these nights.. where i toss and turn, worrying about how i worry, and reminding myself that i don't remember.

i hate nights like these. i don't like being sad. i don't like feeling neurotic. maybe i shouldn't say all these things, people will think i'm psychotic. i'm not... i'm just sooo tired!!!